The Best Watches on Earth
It's...Trump Time
It’s easy to imagine the sales call. “Mr. President, we want to use your name on a wristwatch.”
The president responds, “Again? If you use my name on a wristwatch, it better be called The Best Watches on Earth or…or something like that! No more Japanese quartz shit, either! This thing has to be a marvel of Swiss engineering. And it’s gotta cost a lot. Can we do that?”
Just in time for the holiday season, a company literally named “TheBestWatcheson-Earth LLC” is producing a presidential victory watch for 2024.* A souvenir presidential victory watch isn’t exactly new. Ronald Reagan had one in 1984. Bill Clinton had one in 1996. These knicknacks are nothing new.
What makes the Trump Victory Tourbillon so special? The price tag. Unlike Reagan’s plastic commemorative campaign memento, Trump’s watch is a $100,000 solid-gold “masterpiece.” Not plated or 10 karat gold, solid 18 karat with a diamond-encrusted bezel. This isn’t Trump’s first foray into timepieces, though it’s certainly a bold new level of opulence, even for him. It soars beyond the vulgarity of regular Trump products, reaching the stratosphere of extravagant excess.
Finding an in-depth review of the watch has been next to impossible. GQ barely scratched the surface. This may be one of the only detailed reviews on the internet.
Trump Victory Tourbillon in Solid Gold, Limited Edition
This election season, you can cast your ballot in style, or at least, wear something louder than the campaign slogans. Priced at $100,000, each Swiss-made, solid-gold piece features a tourbillon complication and a signed message from Donald Trump on the sapphire glass display back. Only 147 Victory pieces will be made, with Trump himself owning the very first one off the assembly line. Each watch comes with a signed, personalized letter of authenticity.
The watch is available in three variants. It’s not specified whether there will be 147 of each model or if only 147 will be produced in total. The number 147 is intentional, symbolizing one more term as the 47th president. Meanwhile, the 122 diamonds set into the case could signify 1 term served and the 22 times he’s been to court. All three models feature three hands but no date function, perhaps because the only date The Donald wants you to have in mind is November 5th, 2024.
In terms of design, it sits somewhere between hideous and atrocious, with clashing elements from the 90s and 2000s blending together incoherently. The disenchanted might claim it’s on par with the eighth circle of hell—the one reserved for fraudsters, unscrupulous merchants, and shameless racketeers. Though it’s not quite that bad, the lack of a date function at this price point is infuriating, especially considering that a tourbillon complication adds no functional value to a wristwatch. However, the only small mercy is that only a limited number will be produced.
For those bold enough to wear it to the beach, the watch is water-resistant up to 200 meters. Still, it’s probably best to wear it in Republican-controlled states to avoid attracting the ire of raging socialists, deranged homeless people, petty thieves, or any combination of the three.
Please avoid buying this model or any other watch by TheBestWatchesonEarth LLC (several cheaper ones are also available). They won’t be available at reputable jewellers; pre-orders are only fulfilled online.
https://gettrumpwatches.com/collections/tourbillon
MSRP for any of the three models: $100,000 + applicable sales taxes
This review may be one of the most charitable the watch will ever get. To even a casual observer, these pieces appear cobbled together in a Chinese factory. Yet in an almost endearing way, Trump wears and hawks his creation with pride, an industry example of “eating your own dog food.” As questionable as it is, he’s actually wearing one, too. Normally, our reviews are firsthand accounts of a watch or comparable model, but in this case, not finding one in person is a blessing.
Visually, the watch is garish to the point that it’s hard to believe it isn’t a parody. Yet, they are relatively durable, they tell time, and there are far worse options at this price. For comparison, Justin Trudeau reportedly wears a watch with only one hand and two bewildering sub-dials (no joke). Since the Victory model’s launch, horology enthusiasts and political enemies alike have been clutching at their pearls. Yet it’s important to remember that no one has to buy anything they dislike. It’s just a watch. In a country that celebrates free enterprise, people vote with their dollars. If all 146 units sell, Trump (and company) could pocket around $14.6 million. Even after production, distribution, and marketing costs, that’s likely a $10 million profit.
If people of all political stripes will inevitably produce memorabilia, why not have a little fun with it? George W. Bush sells a flimsy Timex on his site. Obama’s 2008 campaign hats remain in stock (practically garbage by now but still sold by his foundation). Maybe Biden will start offering commemorative bottles of milk of magnesia? The difference is that, at $100,000, Trump knows how to sell flashy presidential memorabilia better than any other living president. It’s telling that his main opponent isn’t selling any, and a quick search turns up the closest equivalent: a “Childless Cat Lady for Kamala Harris Watch.”
*For legal reasons, as stated on the company website:
Trump Watches are not designed, manufactured, distributed or sold by Donald J. Trump, The Trump Organization or any of their respective affiliates or principals.
TheBestWatchesonEarth LLC uses the “Trump” name, image and likeness under a paid license agreement which may be terminated or revoked according to its terms. Trump Watches are intended as collectible items for individual enjoyment only, not for investment purposes. The images shown are for illustration purposes only and may not be an exact representation of the product.
These watches are not political and have nothing to do with any political campaign.